Niall’s virtual diary archives – July 1998

1st July 1998: 2.25pm, waiting for a replacement test board as my one is refusing to work, so I thought I'd do an update here. If anyone's interested, I've updated my copy of Winamp to v1.92 which you can get off the Useful page and a hardware update on the AI5VP is pending (my old motherboard) on the Hardware page. I should be getting the (unofficial) settings for a 4x and 4.5x multiplier and more importantly, to send 2.1-2.3v to Vcore. Hence the AI5VP can support the AMD K6 2 at at least 75Mhz which makes for a very cheap and very fast machine.

Well, I've been having a whole barrel of laughs since the last update! After the last update, last sunday, I went home to the YMCA at around 8pm and had a few smokes with J and M. D came to join us a while later as he got bored, and well, it was fair enough.

Later that night, around 10pm, we headed outside and sat on Parker's Piece (a large grassy bit near the centre of Cambridge) with a girl called C. We sat, rolled up, looked at the stars, rode C's bike without brakes all over the Piece, and got very stoned in the cold. How bad I ask you? I had a lovely night especially because of flirting with C who gave me a flower. C's pretty cute, but she's a bit young, and besides another mate of mine is busy trying to get her to go out with him. Hence I leave it alone, which I'll fill in on in a minute.

I got to bed that night for 1.30am. Not bad going. The following night was much more fun though - some of the german's who live on my floor in the YMCA got their wallets nicked and the coppers turned up to investigate. This I weren't pleased about, because while I writing my reply to Kathryn's letter (Oh hello Kathryn! You know you can always email me by clicking on this here ...) I had rolled an exceptionally strong spliff and after smoking it, was no longer capable of writing that letter and had lied down. Then one of the coppers came knocking on my door, and the conversation went something like this:

"Umm, hello" said I in my pyjamas.

"Did you see anything suspicious tonight or last night sir" said the bloke in the white shirt holding a notebook.

"Nope, been in bed" said I, closing the door as much as possible to try and prevent the wafts of lingering smoke escaping the room whilst trying not to make it too obvious.

"Oh" said the police bloke, sniffing his nose slightly which made my head spin more than it already was. "I guess we'd better let you go back to sleep".

"Thanks" said I, and I did just that.

So that was Monday night ;). Yesterday I found out much to my unhappiness that some contract work I was doing before leaving uni really needs to get done and as a result once I finish work every day at 6pm I have to get on my bike and go to another company to start more work until around 8pm. Yeah, cheers for that god. Just what I needed ...

So yesterday I missed the start of the England v. Argentina match, which England lost anyway which meant there was nothing else to do when I got back than, that's right, to pile into my room (I think at least half of the English speaking residents of the YMCA were there) and get very very stoned. And three hours later and several bong hits too, we all were. I got to bed for 2am. Early again :}

One unfortunate thing that happened last night is that C (the female C) was sitting beside me on my bed while we were skinning up and I was obviously enough chatting away to her seeing as she was sitting so close. This made the other C (the male C) rather unhappy as he fancies her. He began staring me out for much of last night which really I feel wasn't on, but then he is young and maybe jealous or something. My (rather hypocritical) view is that if she isn't interested, move on, but given how I was with Kathryn ... well, I can't really speak can I. I suppose at least I didn't stare out Darren all the time ... ;)

So that's it. My last three days. I haven't been having any interesting conversations I can talk about here, so hence I haven't been thinking about any interesting topics, and hence I haven't got anything contraversial to say ie; a rant. Sorry. If I could only get a bit of free time to read or even relax for a while then I could let my mind wander and think, but right now there just isn't time. I spent almost all my day working, and what remains getting clocked out. I can't say I'm happy with this. I mean, what's the point of life if you just spend it doing and never living. It's an easy trap to fall into and millions of people do, but I don't particularly intend to. On the other hand, with ten-twelve hour days facing me every day on just work I don't really have much option at present.

I'll try to get home early tonight so I can go visit a few friends maybe. My sister's coming to visit me next weekend so I'll need some puff for that too, so maybe I can kill two birds with one stone. Anyway, I'll be off, until next time be happy!

6th July 1998: Phew, nearly a week since the last update again! Time is really a killer at present (as in having absolutely none of it ...)

Well, last week saw quite a number of busts in the YMCA and male C getting told to leave or have his legs broken. He left the next day. Also, I have come to the realisation that I know one female in the YMCA circles, female C, and this has depressed me somewhat. Even worse, I have no time to meet any more even if they were some to meet which there aren't from what I've seen so far. Another summer of loneliness, yeah, really cool Niall ... :(

Friday night saw me going out and getting fucked. I went to a string of pubs with A and ended up in the Junction following these women who invited us. However, they ignored us once there (bitches ...) as many women seem to and we left early. Saturday my sister came, she got hayfever and the effects of having no sleep that week and crashed into bed. I did washing and finished my letter to Kathryn which should be on its way to her by now. It was good to finally have nothing to do, and I had great fun staring at the ceiling for a while and thinking of nothing. Now I just wish I had some time to get back to reading again ...

Female C and M came round on Saturday afternoon and we had a few smokes. M left and so I was left with C. We chatted and I showed her some stuff from Joana and why I felt all women were out to hurt me if I allowed myself to think childishly for long enough ;). She didn't say anything as my sister turned up before she could reply. I'll ask her what she thought next time I see her. Later that evening me and my sister went to the cinema and she watched Grease and I watched Mimic, a movie that I will never watch again (it scared me!).

On Sunday my sister stayed in bed all day and I watched a movie and had a few more smokes. And that night went to A's and came back and smoked all through it. And that was that.

Life's getting monotonous now. It's the same old thing. I go to work, in a few minutes time I'll get on my bike and head to job number 2 and work there for a few more hours, then I get back and smoke myself to sleep with a few mates who are wide awake as they have no job and spend much of the day sleeping. I'm getting a bit pissed off with this. I ain't growing here, I'm just running myself into the ground.

But this is going to change. I had a think over the weekend, and I have a cunning plan ...

We'll see what happens. In the meantime, be happy, and hope that next time you read I'll have put this plan into action ...

9th July 1998: Some things I forgot to mention were that I wrote to Rachel to see if I can go to stay at hers in August for a holiday (and to see her and Joana), an old friend from Trinity College Dublin is coming to stay this weekend, and I'll shortly be receiving a nice new laptop courtesy of Xemplar so I don't have to go to Xemplar every night (I can work at home instead). Cool! Maybe a few things have been happening in my life after all ...

Earlier today ... 1.47pm, waiting for a colleague to get back to me about some ideas I proposed. This time since the last update has been strangely ... quiet. Every day since Monday I've worked my first job, then my second, finished around 8pm, headed home and found that nothing was happening. I've watched movies, or wrote letters, or even just lay on my bed in my room and smoked and stared at the ceiling. And usually got to bed for around 12pm-3am.

The worst thing with this is that I'm contented. I'm enjoying work in both places at present and I'm getting enough time at night to wind down. In fact, I can't think of a time I've been disturbed or angry or otherwise pissed off in the past week.

Is this a form of nirvana or utopia I am in ???

Some may say not to worry. That if you are content and happy then be so and do not question it. But I do question it. I could do this life for the forseeable future without ever worrying about it. But where then would I be? I would still be lonely, but too busy to notice it. I would still be incomplete, but too content to worry about it. I would still be what I am, what I have always been. But do you know something? Although my brain realises this, it couldn't care less. I couldn't care less. This, to it, is immaterial - "I am content" says my brain, "and thou shalt not interfere with rational thought"!

However, me being me, let's the rational side go for it even when the rest of my id doesn't like the idea much (id's spend too much time repressing things anyway ;) ). And even my rational side has decided this serenity is a good thing. But why oh why, given that the whole of my nature is focused on the dionysian vs. aristotelian conflict (ie; chaos vs. order) that I should agree on all sides that the aristotelian side take precedence?

The answer, if you haven't guessed it already, is obvious. These last six months have seen me commit infidelity, go into a threadworm-based depression, break up with Kathryn, go into alcoholism, get my life together again and deal with Joana and of course, move back to Cambridge. Hmm, says I, would you not agree that this has not focused rather on the dionysian side? Definately. And as life circles and moves, one side wanes and the other waxes. Now is the time of aristotelian. Long may she last!

Of course, while I'm sitting here being all content and happy, this means you get some really boring updates ie; like those for the last few updates. Do I care? Well, yes in a way and no in plenty of others. For now, I'm content to watch my hit count slide away to nothing because I know that soon chaos will reign again and I shall be stabbing the keyboard as I spit my venom onto these pages. And you, ye thrill seekers, will return in number to read along side.

This probably will happen in a few weeks. I bet it's when I get into a relationship with some really fucked up girl as this always seems to have the desired effect. Or it may be as far away as next September. Either way, keep reading, be happy, and watch me be content for a very short while (in all likelihood)!

17th July 1998: 12pm exactly, I'm waiting for some sources to be emailed to me, so it's just a quicky for now. Do you remember what I wrote in the last entry? Well, if you don't, scroll down a bit and you'll be quickly able to remember!

Well, my conclusion that I was in a period of calm and serenity I think was correct. For the last week I haven't done anything or thought anything worth putting here and hence there have been no entries.

However, (says I gritting my teeth), I believe the time of aristotle is coming to the beginning of the end. At the start of the week I found out I had been spending twice as much money as I should have been, leading to some serious cutbacks in my expenditure. Such as, for example, my cannabis consumption. I've also ratcheted up my work load at night, including reading more of my current book, The History of Western Philosophy, by Bertrand Russell. Also, I feel more of that good ol' anger and passion beginning to rise and bubble in my soul especially when at nine frigging am the bastard foreign students on my floor have their usual door slamming contest. What they do not understand is that 9AM is my time of slumber, working or not working, and it is one of the most precious times of sleep as one drifts in and out of conscienceness and dreams, thinks, feels, is. It is what many people take smack for except that it's natural and good for you, unlike smack (it's also a damn sight lot cheaper too).

Anyway, other than my feeling of the beginning of the end of serenity and my severe gripes with foreigners in general (why is it that they are all so fucking arrogant, impolite and full of themselves? I wonder how the full-time residents manage not to give them a good kicking ...), there's been nowt much happening. Not even smokes at night mainly as no one is around anymore and I'm becoming less generous with the pot as I'm running out too.

I have been concerned of late about Kathryn. The last time she read these hallowed pages was the 2nd of July, some two weeks ago now. I also wrote her a letter two weeks ago now and haven't heard a thing. I'm worried. Hope nothing's happened to her. If you're reading dear, give us a shout!

Let's see, anything else? Oh, I'll stay on late tonight here to do an update to the hardware and women pages, and finish the update here. There's quite a bit of stuff to go there now and I've been slipping behind. Also, if I get around to it, I'll update the Useful stuff page, mainly as some of the links don't work anymore. And I think that'll do for the time being.

BTW, if I'm right about this beginning of the end, watch for some good entries in the coming weeks. I feel my soul as I know (and love?) returning in force after a brief holiday ... let's see if I'm right!

Be happy, talk to you again in a few hours or so ...

19th July 1998: Cool, it's Sunday, and I'm typing on my laptop which is busy playing some Smashing Pumpkins. I've got seventeen minutes left before power outage, so I'd better be quick!

Anyway, as you can see from the bit below, I started this update at around 4am last night andwas sufficiently gone to be beyond the ability to type. Sorry. I had plenty of interesting things to say, and you have to bear in mind I was after quite a bit by the time I wrote that. Actually, I might as well tell you exactly what I was after - yesterday, it was the annual Parker's Piece fair in sunny Cambridge, and I started drinking and smoking I believe around 2pm. Unfortunately, at the moment (due to considerable overspending) I'm on a budget of around fifteen pounds a week which is a bit tight in these parts (ah I wish I were in sunny Hull once more! Cheap there ...). So far this weekend, I've spent ten of it, so I think I'm going to have a good week ...

Getting back to the point, I became increasingly pissed off mainly as I had no money and felt too crowded by people encouraging me to spend more money. They also felt happy nicking my fags, which although duty-free that isn't the point - I'm going to be out of both types of smokes within the next few days and I ain't particularly wanting to speed that process up by giving them all away.

I'm normally pretty generous with things, even to the stage where people remark about it. My view is so long as people don't take the piss eg; always coming up to my room and having a smoke but never contributing any smokes of their own (this goes as much for university as for here). They know where they can get it, so why don't they spend some of their own money if they want to come here? By and large though, I have to say I am impressed by the people at the YMCA - they may be labelled as thieves and junkies by the masses, but to date I know of only two people who haven't contributed and if you press them, they do. This is very different from uni - there are a lot of people happy to smoke your gear, eat your food and such but when it comes to them shelling out in reciprocation it just doesn't happen. People like these should be avoided BTW as they usually have personalities to match their actions.

Anyway, I spent the day with a few mates going around the fair, drinking beer, smoking joints in front of coppers, looking at women - the usual. There wasn't much interesting there to be honest, mostly families and such, no fit young birds such as are better! Came back here around 4pm, and female C happened to have come back from holiday. Cool thinks I, and I shook off my current restraint and smoked quite a few with her (she had her own anyway actually). She gets me you know. I just can't place her - although, she did say yesterday that while she could tell me all about herself, she doesn't as it's all behind her and she wants to forget about it. However, as I pointed out, she doesn't tell me even anything about her current mood other than she's fine, nor obviously any reasons behind any mood she might be in. It's frustrating, and it pissed me off.

So after that afternoon with C, I went and hung around the coffee bar for a while, talked to some interesting people about the current council housing standards, and came back to my room and listened to some violent music. Yup, I was definately beginning to get just a tad pissed off with life ...

The night went from bad to worse after that. Went back out into the fair at 9pm, smoked a few on the grass staring at the stars but I had no more money (literally not a penny) and also I was bored off my face too as most of the people with me were talking to some spanish people they knew and as I don't know any spanish, that wasn't very helpful, so eventually I said fuck it and headed back. I could have gone to an illegal rave at some meadows outside cambridge, but again, no money means no fun, and no fun is exactly what I'm having.

Realising I was getting in a particularly bad mood, I swallowed a few tomazzies, and an hour later after quite a bit of wine and smokes I was nearing (happy) unconciousness. That's when I started writing the stuff below, took a while I remember because I kept missing the keys on this god-awful macintosh thing (stupid spongy keyboard).

Eventually, I just lay on my bed, the world kinda vacantly distant, and slept. It was about five am I think, and I was up for nine this morning, so, well, cool I guess.

So that's another weekend gone in the YMCA. Do you remember when I said I had a feeling that the summer would be either really brilliant or very not as the case may be? Well, in some ways, I think that would be better had it been this way. My summer so far I can definately call mixed. I can neither say really it's been great nor shit. It's just been ... adaquate. There's been no women to speak of. My job gives me neither satisfaction nor irritation really. The people at this place are neither amazing nor horrible. In fact, during this entire summer so far, there's been nothing at all during the lot of it which has stretched me or pushed me or brought me doing things I have not done before. It's all so mundane, repeditive, static. I ain't growing here, and I'm not happy about it.

But what can I do? At the moment, I have no money with which to soak up what little free time I have. Indeed, one good thing I can say about this summer so far is that I can't remember the last time I was bored, which is good in a way I guess apart from leaving you with no time for contemplation or relaxation. Is this not what I was preaching for in the dying weeks of uni? That things were going so well because I had no free time? Yes, I suppose, it was. But it was different than now in that I was getting to know a lot more people all the time, and there is a certain delight achieved in learning more about someone. Here, I now know pretty much everyone, and there is little I have seen that makes me curious as I feel I have seen it all before and nothing interesting lies here.

Hmm, that last paragraph makes me sound like a right pretentious git. And it's right - I have been moaning about a number of things and doing sweet fuck all to change it. Don't moan if you ain't going to do anything about it I reckon, and it's a good point. I think I need to have a decent think about the current situation and what can be changed about it, if anything at all. I think this means I need to go for a serious smoking session on my own? You reckon too? Cool, I think I'll just go do that ...

Be happy, talk to you again when I get round to it (or become capable enough ...)

Earlier today ... Well good morning internet readers. It's Saturday night, and I'm high high high ...

I've decided that me updating during work hours was a bit crap. You don't get the zeitgeist like you do right at the moment. So, I'm using my laptop to type in the updates as and when they happen, right when I'm in the middle of whatever (eg; like now) so you get the full emotion and feelings coming right through. This is important, as it helps make a good entry.

(hang on, just need to roll a spliff ...)

[Then I passed out I'm afraid!]

22nd July 1998: I've substantially updated the hardware pages and they're now up to date. Only got the women and links pages to go ...

On other matters, unfortunately I was informed today I have to give the laptop from Xemplar back tomorrow. Pity. I've been enjoying having it and it's been my source of music among other things (like money for example). Looks like it's back to ten-twelve hour days ...

I see with great joy Kathryn has started reading again as of last Saturday. Must have been on holiday or something. Hey Kathryn, where's my letter? I expect it by the end of the week! ;) Being serious though, it's made me feel a lot better for some odd reason which I know full well but don't want to admit to myself. The reality is that I could very easily fall back into a relationship with her, and while that would not be a bad thing, it would be a bad thing, if you know what I mean. It's hard. I spent three hours talking to a colleague just across from me about her and relationships in general and it would seem that age doesn't seem to provide a solution to this problem I have in my head about Kathryn. Pity. The colleague in question knew exactly what I was on about but didn't know the answer ... I have a feeling this is how I will end up too ... perhaps the best solution is me and Kathryn sit down and have a "bunker session" as they call them here in Arm Ltd. However, the problem is that I'm not sure Kathryn would firstly agree and secondly, I don't have enough money to visit her in Manchester (nor do I particularly want to really), and thirdly the chances of her visiting me here are about as unlikely as ... well, I'll leave that to your imagination.

Well, that's about that. I get paid on Friday, which means it should be a good weekend for a change. Also, we're running soon into August, which is when Christina came to the YMCA two years ago, through whom I met Ruth you see. Ie; many working foreign women come in August, and of course I'll be working to fairly late at night as of tomorrow - yeah, real cool that - not! But guess I have no choice ...

Right, I'll be off. Talk to you again soon. Be happy!

24th July 1998: I've calmed down a bit now. This morning's entry was just after getting the letter and you got what's been missing from this diary for quite some time - teeth - so I hope you enjoyed it!

Having read it now several times, I have to actually say that it was a really nice letter (again). Now, as with her last letter, I have to wonder if she's playing with my head again in a new and different style which may hurt me more than ever or whether perhaps she is actually being truthful. In which case, her explanation as to why she doesn't want to visit me may be true or it may just be that she doesn't want to see me. BTW, she quoted cost as being too prohibitive to make the journey, which is almost certainly bollocks given what she says she's been up to in her letter which would require quite a bit of money, so I don't think the cost is the real reason(s).

Now, for my part, I'm not willing to shell out the money to go up there, especially when up there wouldn't exactly be welcoming me with open arms. I paid out for Kathryn plenty of times during our relationship and I sure as hell aren't about to start again when we're not even particularly friendly. So I guess, from the looks of things, we ain't going to be seeing each other until we get back to uni, unless she changes her mind and suddenly "finds" some cash.

And that's good in a way. I feel a bit isolated here in Cambridge and would love a change of scene, but at the same time the peace and quiet is quite ... alluring in a boredom kind of way. And after this morning's entry I feel strangely better, like a weight's been lifted. I've realised a few things about myself I knew already but didn't want to face, and now I am. And that's one of the steps to getting her out of my life, and that's certainly good for the very reasons I mentioned this morning.

So that's about it. Not much happened recently, visited a mate last night who's gone cold turkey with his fifty-pound-a-day smack habit. He wasn't in a good way when I saw him ;). And this weekend's going to be busy, and I may write a few entries over the weekend. You'll see on Monday!

Meantime, be happy, talk to you the next time I have something to say. Right now I feel all dried out, and I think I'm about to go home and have a smoke, relax, and let it all well back up again ... ;)

Earlier today ... Well, I got that letter from Kathryn I was looking for. Over the last few days I have been feeling a bit isolated from the friends of mine not living in Cambridge. I have written quite a few letters with no replies except, now, from Kathryn.

Kathryn's letter contained good and bad, but more bad than good. One thing which reared its head once more was what went through my head when I read of her getting off with a bloke - it echoed of Darren and such and made me feel very guilty and angry with myself for letting myself think so. I think that slowly I am beginning to realise I cannot reconcile with Kathryn and get her out of me - she satisfies too many of my needs to let me push her away and allowing her into my life again would just make the eventual pushing away harder. I would prefer we get things to a civil level and then slowly become friends - but, you see, she hurts - it's like having a knife in you constantly twisting. Sometimes it seems like it's getting better then it screws you again. It's not of Kathryn's fault, it is of mine. Ever since Laura, I have had this problem of not considering these women's faults as much and alongside their assets. I concentrate in dreams and thoughts on Kathryn's assets, and hence she glows as her flaws do not show as much. But what I have to realise is that she is not good for me, she is not compatible with the path I wish to take, and she is like a shot of heroin in that it's a real fight not to give in to what feels so good and just let principles and ambitions and wishes to fall to the wayside. But then one wonders if this is wise, for you have seen many people stick to their ideals and ambitions and end up lonely and alone, and in some ways unfufilled. They concentrated too much on the one and not on the other. And what of the other? It feels so comfortable, it takes the pain away. These relationships. Just like smack. I spent weeks of bliss with Kathryn before Christmas and now I know how my mind slowly began to rebel. Consciencely, I loved it but could feel small tremours coming from below my ego. The id was awakening, and it culminated in me sleeping with someone else. This, in turn, sowed the seeds for the eventual destruction, pain and loss that occured on both sides of our relationship, and within me led to much confusion.

Because how does one reconcile rational thought with one's urges? Aristotle with Dionysis? Of course, you can't, and through this struggle comes the greatest of human endeavours. But this is exactly what is going on in my head between my rational side, which wants, hopes, prays for certain goals and my animal side, which craves peace, quiet, stability, routine and simple pleasures. With Kathryn, I could and can rationally see the incompatibilities, the things I don't like. But I also very much appreciate the feeling of cuddling in bed with a beautiful woman, of having someone to talk to, someone to work with together on things, and of not being so god damn lonely all the time.

And constantly, throughout my life, I seem to keep running into this dilemma all the time. With Kathryn, I went as far as getting engaged - was I really just trying to stop the loneliness that pervades my life? But what I should have realised, and am increasingly, is that I cannot fight the rational side which will continue to cause me the misery it does. I am a rationalist subject to my urges.

However, I still maintain this hope which we are all taught - that "the right person for you will come along some day". It is a stupid hope that can be dismissed completely with the slightest application de rigeur, but it's one I cling to through neccessity more than anything. The alternative is too horrible to contemplate. However, if one allows rationality to continue some further, you begin to realise that perhaps like order and chaos, there can be a unstable blending of the two which works, if even for a short while. And perhaps this is what I need to seek. Through rational thought and emperical observation, I can satisfy my rational side. Through the life of a play-boy I can satisfy my animal side. And this is the life I intend to lead upon return to university. However, the price to pay for this is great, and that is the price of physical loneliness which will only be tempered through fleeting and often unfufilling engagements with the opposite sex. A relationship a la Kathryn is certainly completely incompatible with this intended lifestyle, that's for sure, so it would seem like this is what must be sacrificed for my aspirations. Not surprisingly, it is a very hard choice.

So there we go. That's the first entry in here since uni that's packed some punch, and I may well update it again tonight with more on the rest of the letter's contents and what I've been up to these last few days. However, for now, let me close with a little summary and a contemplative image: Right now, I feel so bloody frustrated, lonely and angry. I am staring down the cave with the light at the end, unsure if I am in a shotgun barrel or not. I am choosing this path on the basis of supposed truths and very much on theory of the rational mind, and I am as unsure as ever if I am right. Ach, if only I had the knowledge of the gods ...

Any comments? Write to [email protected]. Other than, be happy, and have a think about some of the things I have written about.

28th July 1998: Well, there's a few things here changing. I've just "found" a copy of FP98 which I used to do the updates here prior to leaving uni and so now I can do updates on a scale impossible with just Notepad (well, maybe not impossible, but sure as hell a lot harder). You'll notice for a start (if you had a bigger than 800x600 display) that now the page uses whatever space is available to it instead of sticking right to the left. Also, I've fixed the "missing left black bar" bug on IE3 (but not Netscape, I have no idea why not). I'm moving the virtual diary archives into a more general "stuff" directory, into which I am going to place ...

Niall's theory of relationships

This is a biggy! I've looked all over the internet and libraries for something about "the philosophy of relationships" if you will, and found nowt but crappy American books on being honest with your partner (which is important, true, but it's the way the American books put it - check out Pairs for lots of examples). For example, ask Altavista for "relationships" and see the absolute drivel that returns - how is this meant to help I really don't know :(.

What is needed is a philosophical and deterministic view of relationships. And this is what you shall be getting! Already some bits have been detailed here - such as Niall's theory of women - but this comprehensive and definitive work will tie together all my current understandings of women and relationships with them in one place and one tomb. I don't expect it to be written in just one night, but rather across a series of nights, slowly evolving it into something useful. And I do hope it will be useful to someone out there. Women are fine as friends - but as lovers it gets very complicated. Usually this is because of both you and her. In Niall's theory of relationships, I intend to detail a methodology and philosophy which will (for me at least) make relationships more likely to be successful, in everything from choosing the right person to go out with in the first place right down to not sleeping with others while going out with her (it might seem obvious, but I intend to prove it here anyway - seeing as I have done it and seen what happens after, and I don't think a lot of people realise exactly what happens after unfaithfulness).

Right, so that's that. Hmm, what about my weekend? Well, I didn't go to bed on Saturday night (spent all night up talking) and spent most of Sunday catching up with Xemplar contract work before handing the laptop back yesterday. I also did a lot of thinking, leading to the idea above. And I have a lot more to say about Kathryn, but I want to give it a rest now (even I'm irking me because I never shut up about it!) and besides, much of what I have to say about Kathryn can be made so general I might as well make it into a theory of relationships.

Right, it's 9pm now, and I have to go visit someone, so I'll be off. I'll start on the new section tomorrow, and until then be happy!

29th July 1998: Spent tonight updating the website and getting it back into a "clean" state - fixing broken links and such. The women pages are now fully updated and I've managed to free some 3Mb of space by deleting unpopular Sophie Marceau pictures (there were some 10Mb of pictures of her, more than anyone else). I've done this in preparation for the upcoming Niall's theory of relationships and besides, I needed the space for more log files. I just have to do a little more spring cleaning and then I'm heading home.

Last night I called round to some mates and watched ConAir. Not a bad movie, especially when you're stoned enough to fall over. When I got back, I got grabbed by some mates and pulled round to J's place where we chatted and smoked for a while. Not a bad night really ...

Right, hopefully I'll make a start on the new section tomorrow night. Be happy till then!

30th July 1998: Got in late this morning, had to work till 8pm to do the hours. So I haven't got much of the theory page done yet - sorry! However, the page is there with about two paragraphs in it, so you can check it out on the left if you want ...

Other than that, nowt been happening. Got my exams results - got an average of a third, if I do well in resits I could get a 2.2 average. Hmm, I'm in need of a serious dump, so I need to go, so be happy and I'll type to you tomorrow!