by Niall Douglas. Last updated . This page has been accessed 7,336 times since the 11st October 1999.
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Monday 3rd May 1999: 12.42am. I was thinking it's now ten days until this diary is exactly one year old. Amazing to think of all that's happened, but I'm sure I'll be doing a full overview on that day.
Well, as regular readers will know, this bank holiday weekend saw May Day when thousands of people all around the world marched to protest against the prohibition of cannabis. I luckily "acquired" ten mitsubishi pills (that being a form of Ecstasy by the way) which are according to the pill testing database (based on what they look like) mostly MDEA with a bit of amphetamine. They're not bad, in that they're fairly loved up, but they're much more mongier than plain MDMA even with the speed and of course, MDEA is much trippier than MDMA.
Anyway, I spent all of Friday mashed on these (took a half as soon as I got them), was so worked up (been ages since me last taking a decent pill) I went on my own to a dance club where I danced lots, then went home, showered, and headed to uni to go to May Day. Which I did, swallowed more pills and smoked copious amounts of ganja during the day in plain view of many coppers, chatted to plenty of people including Howard Marks and was introduced to his daughter, and generally chilled in the sun. Excellent day, I look forward to the next demo next September 28th if I can make it.
Now, I woke up on Sunday fairly mashed as to be expected. I had been pilled up for two solid days and smoked at least a quarter of gear in one day. I woke still hallucinating from the night before, but it cleared after about half an hour so we went to the pub, followed by an almightly session of more pills and copious quantities of ganja around Downs and Nicholson. This gives forth unto today, where I decided pilling constantly for three days was bad, and what was worse was I had managed to get through about half an ounce in the same time. So today was definately take it easy day, but it had to be said I couldn't really think of much to do.
The annoying thing is I have loads to do. Loads and loads. I can't remember all the things I put off until after May Day, but there was plenty of it for sure. I need to make a list really, and why am I typing so much here when I have a joint sitting out in my ash tray? Hang on ...
Cool, it's lit. I've managed only to get through an eighth today, I'm proud of that. I'm very surprised I didn't knock more pills into me, but to be honest the idea of returning to normality seemed a good one after three days of not being that, and I've enjoyed today even though it's been a bit boring. Normality can be fun too. Now I could do with some acid ...
Right, now what was I going to talk about? Well, the legalising cannabis campaign is pretty much over for this academic year, and soon exams will be starting. There's lots of fun to still be had, no doubt, look at this time last year's entries. And it's not been a bad year - maybe a little less loving than one would have wished, but at least me and Ruth were rekindled. It certainly has been a year of getting fucked, no doubt. And isn't this what I came to uni for?
Hmm, right I'm off again. I keep chickening out of writing meaningful stuff here. Another pill? Hehe, not tonight I think. But maybe another night, and then I'll type lots here. Untill then, be happy, see you later.
Monday 10th May 1999: 1.44pm. Three days to the first birthday. Fuck me. And a whole week gone since the last entry! Double fuck & struth me! I suppose you'll be able to guess what I've been doing since the last entry ... :)
Well, you probably won't actually. I've been really excessive this week. I spent Tuesday & Wednesday getting all that stuff I was meant to get done done, and then spent Thursday getting ready for New Horizons. Yup, drum n' bass night at the uni again ... and boy did I do one cocktail of drugs! Firstly, I knocked some good ol' Ecstasy into me, then some caffeine & amphetamines to take away the monginess of MDEA (the mitsis don't have speed enough in them to do it), then lots and lots of skunk throughout the night of dancing. Got invited to no less than six comedown smokes after, only made it to one. Got some cocaine in to take away the comedown, ages since I last did that. And then I spent three days awake, taking more coke and alcohol as necessary, taking me until Saturday. I really have not much idea of what I did for all of Friday, but it was fun. I felt pleasant, I remember that. Should have done.
But the crash was inevitable. It always is. You can keep yourself hanging onto that rising balloon for only so long, and it was at no less than this year's Reclaim the Streets (here's last year's entry for RTS!) when it happened. I was sitting there, in the middle of Bev Road, smoking a joint when I finally felt everything crash. Knowing this and most definately feeling it, I headed home, which only took me two hours of frenzied wandering until I found a suitable bus with my mind sliding in and out of functioning. I got home basically on auto-pilot. Which once done, I flopped on my bed and slept for over twenty-four hours. Taking out Saturday night and most of Sunday, but there you go. That's drugs for you. I even missed that party I was invited to on Saturday night and the barbecue on Sunday afternoon. Pity, I might have met some fit women at them ...
So now it's Monday again. I've spent most of the weekend sleeping, taking the comedown off the coke with it. And I have to say I feel wonderful still, albeit a little worried at how we have two weeks of normal lectures left and then three of exams. And I've done fuck all on my course since Easter. As in, fuck all completely - no coursework or anything. I've no idea how I'm going to pass the year. However, I most certainly had fun not passing the year :)
I think the best thing for a man of my current disposition is to go find some LSD. I haven't done any since before Easter, it's about time I consumed a massive dose and spent it wandering the world of reality in a state of unreality. Yeah, sounds good. I'll go organise!
Okay, I'm off to have a shower and go into uni. Be happy, see you all soon hopefully in three days!
Thursday 13th May 1999: 3.05pm. Just woken up, and you all know what day today is!
HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY TO NIALL'S VIRTUAL DIARY!
Yup, today Niall's virtual diary is exactly one year old. Amazing it's kept going for so long I think personally. And if you look back through the archives, all available off the link on the left, you can see a lot has changed across a year in my life. Just for a start, I went from being dismally unstable in the weeks after Kathryn when this diary was started as an outlet to being in my current situation with Ruth several hundred miles away and an uncertain life together planned. I also went from being a nice young lad with good chances in the computer industry to a nasty drug-induced "criminal" with a major problem in getting work. I've set up the Legalise Cannabis Society to try to fix that, participated in national cannabis legalisation efforts and met hundreds of people I would never have met otherwise, including Howard Marks himself.
Essentially, I think, I in general terms went from a lad following a typical university career to a lad following a very different path. And this change has occurred during this past year. And you people have been here to witness it.
And that's a far more important statement for me than it might seem. It pervades every possible aspect of my life in fact. I never intended when I was eighteen years old to be in this situation. Not even close - I couldn't have even imagined the possibility. I intended to go to Trinity College Dublin, get my degree, get a job and there we go.
And what happened instead? I didn't put up with the shit thrown at me in Trinity. Effectively, that summer of work in Cambridge just before going to Trinity, where I integrated quickly into a certain set of people, gave me the self-confidence and vision to be able to tell these people that I didn't want their education. Irrespective of who they were. And I doubt very much that without those precious ten weeks, I would not be right here right now. I would either be dead or somewhere very different.
It's very interesting really. Those ten weeks, spent just after leaving secondary school, was when I was introduced not only to English society and its drugs culture, but also Ruth with whom I now plan my future. In a way, it was a vision of my present. Because, what am I now? Pretty much what I became during those ten weeks three years ago. Weird.
However, probably the most important thing I've done this past year is lived and had fun. No doubt about that - I've pushed myself harder this year than at any other time, and I've also had more fun this past year than in any year since I left home. Sure as hell, the year in Trinity wasn't too hot - but I do have fond memories from then. The first year at Hull was mostly Kathryn orientated, and that was necessary and good and leaves fond memories + a wealth load of more experience. But this, the second year at Hull and approximately the duration of this diary's life, had been considerably more fun than any year I think I've seen yet. And I've lived harder than any other year too, and I think that's a good thing.
Cool, I'm happy. I have got from where I wasn't happy, slowly, to where I now am. That's a definite first - at any stage, even whilst with Kathryn, I would have claimed I felt something in life was missing even though I wasn't sure what. Now I am down one criminal conviction, living a life of debauchery and I must say, I feel happy being right here right now. And how many people can claim that they think they have it completely right? Unfortunately, not many.
Right, conclusions of the first birthday over, what's been happening recently? Well, I went drinking yesterday - all day - with none other than Kathryn. We felt it had been too long, so we wandered into a pub at 1pm and carried on until ... err, some time when it was dark. And it was a good day, even if I feel awful today (alcohol: it's a nasty drug). Interestingly, she was fine throughout - it was me who got stupidly drunk even though we matched each other drink for drink. I think she's had more practice at alcohol ...
It was especially good that in my mind it finally marks me being over Kathryn, and I think she would feel the same. We interacted yesterday just like any old couple would, and we even joked over the shit we caused each other which I think is a first. Yup, I think after a whole year it's all finally over. Excellent!
Tuesday didn't see much, mainly getting the mother business sorted. Not a huge lot been happening, but for the next few days there are a few upcoming highlights. On Friday (tomorrow) there's the sixth birthday of Deja Vue, a bimonthly hard house night in Hull and they've rented out a huge marquee for a solid night long rave. I'm so tempted to go, but on Saturday I'm visiting my grandfather, and do I really want to be on comedown for that? Hehe, don't tempt me with a wicked answer :)
Next week sees the end of lectures, and I will have officially completed all of second year without going to one single solitary lecture. I also have barely done any coursework, but ah well there you go! Exams loom soon, but so does New Horizons our resident drum n' bass night. Should be a good week, especially if a number of things I have planned come to fruition. You'll be the first to know if they do, so watch this space.
And other than that, I think that's it for the first birthday entry. It's been a good year, and a big thank you goes to all you people who have been reading since the start - hope to still be seeing you a year from now! I've added a guestbook at long long last to the diary here, I've been noticing with the HUULCS site that people prefer guestbooks to email so I hope to see more comments from you people there.
So, once more, be happy, and hope to see you again next time ... bye for now!
Wednesday 19th May 1999: 6.01pm. I'm suffering from some god-awful glandular infection. I get it from time to time, it's symptoms are quite like those of influenza. Not very pleasant - all your glands swell up and you feel like shit for a few days. Today's the first day I could bring myself to do anything productive - yesterday was spent trying to lie in various places in this god damn heat attempting to feel close to normal. Then I noticed I had a fever, took some paracetamol and suddenly I felt a lot more normal again. To think I put myself through that when a single little pill would have made such a difference ... thank god for modern chemistry!
Speaking of modern chemistry, I did go to the Deja Vu sixth birthday party in the end. And I went to a party afterwards, a party of rather epic proportions. Let me explain: for the two years I have been in Hull, I have heard about these debauched parties held by a certain set of extremely debauched people during which they did extremely debauched things. I wasn't sure who they were, where they lived or even what circles in which they moved, but nevertheless I had heard of them. And yes, as you're surely guessing right now, I happened to end up right there which was err, interesting to say the least.
I met a number of people, mostly arts based, who were not only extremely interesting to talk to, but also were complete fuck ups. Not that I can think of much of what I said or did or talked to that night now, well not anymore anyway, but it certainly was good. Put it this way - a group of twenty or so hardcore fuck ups managed to get it together enough to make the short procession from the selected party house to Pearson Park in Hull, whereupon we sat and smoked many bongs. Amazingly, no one of the many passing through the park going to work thought to ring the police. Surprising, but fortunate given none of us was in any state to handle officers of the law at that time.
Anyway, of course this past weekend was when I was supposed to visit my grandfather who isn't very well right now. And this I did, except I was far too fucked to make it, and so got as far as Doncaster, missed the connection because I kinda went into some sort of trance on the platform, and so had to come home. Which was bad, because another party was starting (it was Saturday night), which meant I didn't sleep yet again. So I made it to my grandfather's on Sunday afternoon having effectively been on a non-stop drugs binge since Thursday during which I had also had no sleep whatsoever and also had abused my body far beyond its tolerances ...
Other than the bouts of severe hallucinations which occurred during Sunday and the obvious difficulty in keeping it together, it was good to see all the relatives again. I stayed Sunday night, got a good twelve hours of sleep (this was very good), and came back on Monday night. And then my body decided to rebel and give me a decent kicking for being so nasty to it, so my glands went all funny. Leading to right here right now.
So that's what I've been doing. Now I've been receiving quite a bit of email concerning this diary recently, mainly from people who are rather concerned at my excessive abuse of drugs. They also lament the recent lack of philosophical content on this diary, and indeed some seem to think my faculties are diminishing. Now I must say I had been a little worried about the same, but the problem has been that I've been simply too fucked or busy to worry too much to do anything about it. But given today's relative lack of inebriation, I thought it would be about time I exercised my brain a bit so I kicked in the Acorn and did a bit of work on my preemptive multitasker, Wimp2. Amazingly, this was the first time I've touched a computer program since before Easter, which I must say isn't good. However, I'm glad to say I'm still able, and a new version of Wimp2 is now up here.
Then I thought to myself as I was drawing large quantities of cannabis smoke down my rather sore throat, is it not surely time for some philosophy? So I fired up yon here webpage editor, and now I'm writing to you people. And I thought I'd write about self-awareness. That being, what makes us as human beings different from that of the common animal?
The answer is quite simply the ability to have a revelation. It is the moment when chaos becomes order, when understanding is ingratiated upon the human mind and all becomes clear. That moment of clarity is what has driven the human species from what it was to what it is, and surely will drive it on still further. For some strange reason, the human being has been genetically hard wired to consider mental revelations as pleasant - hence you get the mathematician who prefers solving mathematical puzzles rather than having sex with his wife. It is the wish to understand which seperates us from the beast.
But surely this is present in more complex animals too? Perhaps. It has been shown that
both humans and animals have the ability to remember, everything from the six second
memory of fishes to the trauma experienced by a dog in puppyhood affecting its temperment
today. But there is a big difference between knowledge and understanding it - a person can
learn off the theory behind E=mc
In many ways, our lives are governed by mixtures of knowledge and understanding. Items of understood knowledge can be combined together and reasoned into theoretical knowledge which help us live our lives better. All these processes can be lumped together and labelled "pleasure gained from mental work", much as physical work stimulates the production of serotonin as well. Man gains as much from physical exertion as he does from mental exertion, and this is a strange thing to behold.
Where am I going with this? Well, I am about to relate this to drugs - I think. Probably it is the mental delirium resulting from my both intoxicated and feverish state. Actually, I must say that all the stuff above I've written is rambling and out of control. Maybe this is me losing my sanity, slowly but surely? Well, no, let me finish, I was about to state that illicit psychedelics open the mind to places that it otherwise could not reach - it activates the dream processes present within the brain much as sleep does, or indeed fevers, or indeed meditation for many cultures. For western man, throughout his long evolution, psychedelics have shaped and altered the course of history. How many times has literature since biblical times and before stated how great men took visions as seriously as their most wise advisor?
Hmm. I've just noticed it's now 8.45pm. I started this at around 6pm. That means I've taken nearly three hours to write all this. And it is disjointed. I think. Actually, I think I'm completely fucked again. But naturally this time, through this fever. I've run out of painkillers you see. So I thought maybe that by smoking some extremely powerful skunk through this here bong would help my sickness. But I don't think it has, it has just made me fucked. Actually, this is a very pleasant state. I feel like I'm on some acid with a wee bit of MDMA. Yeah, kinda loved up - maybe it's from the past weekend - nah, probably it's that psychological thingy where you flashback to past experiences or something.
It's 9.27pm now, I feel bad. I need sleep. Be happy, see you all later. Sweet dreams!