by Niall Douglas. Last updated . This page has been accessed 6,528 times since the 11st October 1999.
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2nd July 1999: 5.22pm. Well, it's Friday, the annual celebrations of the foundation of Canada are here. Me, I've been completely straight for exactly two weeks today, and I can't say it's been much fun. However, today I got paid, so I think a visit to Vancouver is coming very very soon indeed ...
As for how I feel? Well, I feel somewhat better than I did last entry. I've met and talked to more people, and have had some genuinely interesting conversations which I don't think I could have had remaining in Europe. So hence things are picking up, and maybe this place isn't quite as awful as I think. Maybe it's just slightly inferior :)
Well, we're also under six weeks to go now. I've introduced myself to some local legalisers who have been quite militant in the past especially with the medical marijuana thing who luckily happen to reside here within London. I meet up with them again next Monday so hopefully things will begin to settle down, even if it has taken two weeks.
And that is a point. I have not lived in a completely new place since Cambridge all the way back in 1996. Then it took me three days to establish a solid smoking group. Here it has been over two weeks and I had to go find them rather than just stumbling into them. If there is any completely unfounded but true measure of a country and how "good" it is, it is this measure. Hence Canada, or this part of Canada, does not rate very well.
However, I have high hopes for Vancouver. Looks like a good place. Needs visiting and me consuming. Hehe, can't wait ...
Right, people are pressuring me to stop "working" and leave so they can go home and start the weekend early. Annoying, but necessary. Okay, be happy y'all, I'll be fucked on Ephedrine tonight, so we'll see you again sometime next week. Be happy till next time!
9th July 1999: 4.14pm. Another week gone. Five weeks to go before Pakistan, and if you argue it, it's four more weeks of monotony cos that's when I go to Vancouver, and I think the last week in Canada will go pretty quickly after Vancouver ... :)
Last night I was lying in bed feeling angry. In fact, I had spent the entire day being angry and having difficulty either relaxing or not snapping at people. And all these thoughts of mundanity and boredom and waste were running through my head when it suddenly occurred to me - weren't you thinking similar things this time last year? So today I went and browsed my own virtual diary archives and found yes, I'm in a very similar state as this time last year. July = July as it were.
However, when reading those entries of a year ago (jeesh a lot's happened since then), I realised how very much better off I am now (thank god). I'm no longer obsessed with my break-up with Kathryn, I feel far more stable and balanced than I think I have ever been so far in my adult life. I mean, I really am confident about my internals and their state. I may well abuse my body with a whole world of wicked and heinous chemicals, but I really must admit to having an amazing amount of peace inside my soul. Unlike any peace ever before.
But it's not a boring peace, or a peace of becoming decrepit. It's an amazing joyous peace which surges through your body and gives you the most amazing strength and inner-confidence. It makes you feel so incredibly secure. But why? What has happened this year to change me from what I was into what I am?
I have spent this past year taking an unconscionable amount of drugs - I mean, I really must admit I went too far this year. Maybe these have fried my brain? Maybe the chilled out state induced by these drugs has had a permanent effect? But I notice no diminishment of faculties - if anything (amazingly) these have improved still further over what I remember from last summer. Christ, I feel better and more capable than I have ever been, like I could take on the world and succeed no matter what.
So I figure it must be something else. No doubt about it, I am happier now than I have ever been since childhood. Life couldn't be going better in the bigger picture. I have accomplished much at the local level in Hull by founding the Legalise Cannabis Society. I have an excellent set of friends and social life. I have Ruth in the horizons to settle down with sometime in the future and the lack of sex and female companionship don't really bother me anymore. I have a comfortable cash flow with which I eat, drink and am merry with pretty much to my heart's desire.
Long time readers are probably thinking "He's building towards something really really negative that's really going to screw up my day and leave me feeling depressed, so I'd better close the window now ...". Well, I thought by writing all those gushingly happy statements something bad would enter my mind, but no, can't say it has. And I've been thinking of potential bad things all week. Like, is not having any weed a bad thing? Well yes, but it isn't all that important in the really big picture. It's just a nicety of life, something which makes things better. Mmm, it sure has been a while ... and there's such nice weed in Canada, I've smelt and touched it .... (not frigging smoked any yet arse damn fuck wank ...)
Anyway, I digress :). My point is that for a long time I have been writing in this diary about how I feel that happiness and fulfillment come from three things (I'll reiterate them here to save you all searching the archives):
Obviously the definitions are really broad for good reason - interpret them how you want. Now what I was getting to was that also for ages I feel I have fulfilled the first two but not the last. Many kilobytes of text has been written on this website about my feelings concerning women - indeed, the diary opened with its first entry all about Kathryn. And now you hear me state that I think I've finally cracked that nut at long long last too?
Yeah, it sure as hell surprised me when I first realised it too. I had been worried in recent months about how little time I had been spending thinking about women - these times coincided with my heavy MDMA abuse so I thought that perhaps it was my dopamine and serotonin levels getting all fucked around with. Then I came here to Canada, went totally and utterly straight and was left with a problem - I still wasn't bothered about the women question. And then that train of thought led to the above, which sometime last night led me into this shock realisation that yes, Niall, you are finally complete and fulfilled.
I don't mean in a specific sense of course, I mean in a general one. There aren't any gaping holes anymore. Just little ones which are good and natural because without them you would never do anything about them and hence just plain stop growing. Which of course is nearly as good as dead in my humble opinion.
Right, for those of you particularly stoned or tripping or pilled out, you may not have yet guessed why Niall has finally reached completeness. It wasn't the MDMA or other drugs like I had been worried about, it was of course finally seeing Ruth again after three years of wondering whether what I had seen, felt & experienced was real or whether it was my mind inventing things to make me happy. Of course it was the former (rare that - my brain has the nasty habit of being too damn creative with the truth!), and with that in one fell swoop I knew subconsciously I finally had the women "nut of happiness & fufilment" cracked. Crazy the way it took ol' Canada for me to realise it :)
So that's my little egg of thought for the week. Probably more content in there than everything since the Easter break combined, but to be honest happy people are also extremely boring people. I've noticed the readership of this diary breaking off bit by bit over the last few months, and I can understand why with weeks going by without update mainly because I'm too damn happy to have anything to write about (or too damn happy to be able to type - as the case may be :) ). And when I do write something, it doesn't contain much content or really anything interesting in my mind.
That BTW is what I've been saying to those of you who have been complaining about the "too much drugs, too little philosophy" approach of recent times. Very simply, I don't have much interesting to talk about other than my extreme drugs habit - which yes, is interesting to many people and more importantly - it sends out an important message that taking shit loads of drugs does not automatically turn you into a loser or a freak or anything at all bad. As all you proponents of the drug war might have noticed through this diary, a heavy abuser like me seems to have done just fine for himself and is getting better. How many of you proponents can say you're truly happy and at peace within yourselves?
Oh, that reminds me. I got my exam results - four passes, four compensatories, two fails and one first take. That makes for three exams to be taken next September, which should be a cinch - which means I've completed the second year of my honours degree course without going to a single lecture and without doing any (but one) bit of coursework. In other words, I spent a year getting utterly fucked, doing what I willed and I still passed. Damn I'm good! And it also means I should be able to take more drugs and live even harder than last year and I'll still pass! Hahahaha!!!
<Niall's full of joy right now - life is good>
Right, I'm in work right now and really should get back to it - I just needed a break to get all that off my chest and out onto cyberspace. Be good, be happy, and see you all again soon!
Monday 19th July 1999: 6.28pm. Nuh! says I, it now be (thank god) only two weeks to Vancouver, and two weeks after that until Pakistan. May the time go ever faster lest my body fall decrepit and be lain here forever ...
Okay, I'm in a strange mood. Coming towards the end of last week I had to say I really was feeling the pressure bearing down on me. I had deliberately worked a sixty-five hour week just because I wanted to do something which really pushed me. I mean, I think what I get out of the druggie fuck-up lifestyle is not just the satisfaction of rubbing all those puritanical pricks noses in it or even the wonderful people you get to socialise with and learn from - it's the experience of being fucked in all senses. In the same way as me being straight for the last four weeks has shown me how boring life is without drugs - whilst under the influence, everything seems so much more interesting and colourful. It's the places to which the drugs take you, both real and imaginary which give them their real charm for me.
And I suppose, being straight also reflects me onto me, and I seem gray and boring. And I see how this life is gray and boring, and it reminds me so much of how it is so important we get the weed freed so less people have to live this life. I utterly hate it. There is no passion, no fun and no life. Corporate reality.
Anyway, after this week of hard work, I decided that it was about time I got truly ratted. I was sitting here reading my email last Friday pondering what the hell I was going to do - how can you get ratted in a place where weed only comes sparingly and fleetingly? Well, lo and behold didn't I come across a news email referring to an increasing problem of teenagers drinking cough syrup to get high ... (you can guess what happened next can't you? Yeah, I thought you might ...)
After a quick search on the internet I came across the relevant information - the active ingredient is called dextromethorphan hydrobromide and believe it or not it isn't a "loser" drug like petrol or glue. It's actually got quite a following - as much as ketamine or any of the other fringe extreme psychedelics (we don't count acid as an extreme psychedelic BTW) and there was plenty of good information about how not to kill yourself by drinking the wrong cough syrup (ie; any that have anything other than DXM above). So on Friday I wandered out of work, into the nearest pharmacy and got me a bottle of own-brand cheap cough syrup.
Now dosage does vary - like LSD or Ketamine it's a plateau drug in which there are distinct variations of effect based on the amount consumed. DXM has four - the first which is very like MDA; the second which is like MDA + pretty stoned + maybe a tad of alcohol (ie; it's a lot "heavier" than the first) - now here's where the fun begins - then there's the third which is a pretty dissociated ketamine type effect, and then there's the fourth which is "off we go to la la land!" as your mind and body completely disassociate ...
Now I must say I've never been much of a fan of ketamine - I find it too heavy and depressing when LSD is more bouncy and fun (at lower doses I mean). So I thought I'd better not go too far on the first go - maybe second or third plateaus. For this a dose of 7-10mg per kg of body weight was required (handy the internet - fountain of information!) and given that the stuff I bought contained 5mg/mL it meant yes, lots of yucky sticky cough syrup was going to have to be downed.
I got to the second plateau pretty easily and felt pretty okay. Actually, felt damn fine - it has that MDA quality which gives you a feeling of peace more so than acid or ketamine I find. I then after a few hours thought "fuck it, let's see how far we can go" and downed the remainder of the bottle.
This is the big problem with MDA-like substances. It makes you feel so much like everything's so fine and cool and we need not worry. But I also knew from the web that it takes >20mg/kg before hitting fourth plateau and way beyond that again is toxicity, so no probs really. Other than a possible psychedelic break and I throw myself out a window. Hehe, almost tempting. Whee, look at me, I can fly ... :)
Anyway, then it began to get real fun. I mean, how can they ban weed and yet sell this stuff to the public? This stuff is really a powerful drug - you go on some trip. And I must say I really did enjoy it - I pranced about my room naked, yelling out the window to the little people, holding something in each hand (I can't remember what - I do remember giggling inanely at how everything was so gosh-darn big and I was really little but yet I was a leprechaun and I had whatever the hell I had and I was happy and cool and my friends in my hands were good and true and my legs were really bandy and wee heee I'm jumping look at me hahahaha ...). Yeah, that was weird - everything got really really big. And I couldn't speak properly, yet what I said made perfect sense ...
As I say, this stuff is available on shelves in pharmacies. A six year old can walk in and shoplift it if necessary, but they'd probably sell it to them. I can't believe it personally - it's fantastic that they haven't banned this yet. They have, alas, made it harder for recreational use - the stuff I got unfortunately had been laced with a laxative which kicked in mid-trip - but to be honest I was so fucked I really didn't give a toss. I just sat there and shat it all out, then ran around some more. I do remember going outside my room (I had the foresight to put clothes on - which I remember was really hard) and I wandered for a bit, but got lost, but it didn't really matter cos I was having loads of fun.
So, shall I do it again? Well, like any heavy abuse of any of the stronger psychedelics, it does take it out of you. The syrup is disgusting and makes you feel bloody nauseous - not pleasant. So I'd probably say that for the next few weeks of work I'll probably stay off it. But I most certainly think I'll be at this stuff again when I get back to uni. It has a good combination of a ketamine style disassociation with the pleasantness of ecstasy and in addition it's very safe to use - even safer than Ecstasy believe it or not (helps when it's pharmaceutically manufactured of course).
Well, other than that little event, can't say much has happened in the last week. I saw Eyes Wide Shut this weekend - the last of Kubrick - and even though the Canadian government had brutally censored it it made a good change from the recent rash of crap movies I've seen (this is how bored I am - I really do mean incredibly and utterly bored - what do you think made me go out and drink a bottle of frigging cough medicine eh?). And err, that's it. I had yet another completely crap and boring week. Only four more to go (thank the lord and heaven's above, believe me, I can't take much more of this :( ).
Right, be cool all, be happy too, and I'll see you all again soon! Bye!
Tuesday 27th July 1999: 7.25pm. Jesus, it's over five weeks gone now. I've been wondering what the hell to write here all week. I mean, I've done fuck all this past week. Not even abused any commonly-available substance. Although that said, I had been wondering what happens if you try drinking bleach ...
Yeah, as you might have guessed, this past week has been yet another incredibly boring week. I worked another sixty hours and bought a pair of shoes which is great as my old ones had holes in them and were not far off sole-break time. So now I have a new pair of boots and am set up for another year. I've also worked at least one hundred and twenty hours in two weeks. That's my life. New boots and working silly hours.
Okay, I'm rambling to fill up webpage. And I know it only too well. And I can't think of anything about how crap this life is that I haven't said before. I have no new philosophical insights or thoughts primarily because there is nothing I have experienced in this past week which has led me to think about anything which I haven't either written here before or else it is pointless writing about. I mean, this place is so incredibly boring it doesn't even challenge me to think. You could grow real conservative and closed-minded real easy here. Pretty much is the case I think. Oh wonderful London, Ontario, Canada :(
Anyway, thank god, I'm going to Vancouver next Saturday which means at last I'll have something to write about here next week. Next Tuesday probably in fact. You'd think I'd be looking forward to it, and I am, but it holds nothing like the appeal of getting back to Europe. Christ, anywhere in Europe is better than this place. Well, the thought of it being only three weeks now before I leave here holds a definate appeal. May the time go ever quicker!
Before I end this entry having said almost nothing, I'll take this opportunity to congratulate Colin Davies on his recent acquittal on charges of possession of cannabis with intent to supply. Colin is a MS sufferer who set up a medical marijuana cooperative in the UK to distribute the medicine but the police being what they are went and busted him anyway (not very caring are they?). Anyway, then a jury set him free which is absolutely fantastic and marks a landmark change of precedent in English law ie; we're now a step closer to legalisation than what we were! So congrats once again Colin, look forward to seeing cooperatives everywhere soon!
Okay, that's it for this week - my greatest apologies for having sweet fuck all to talk about. The mind-numbing television and mind-numbing society in which I am currently immersed is having its effects. God I really hate it here - why do we have to work to get money? (I know, I know, silly question - but maybe I should become a communist just cos it suits me? :) ). Anyway, peace love and respect to all of you out there, see you again next week with my report on Vancouver and until then, be happy!