by Niall Douglas. Last updated . This page has been accessed 5,458 times since the 8th December 2001.
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Sunday 8th April 2001: 9.06pm. And another two weeks have gone. Life is really sliding by now, barely even notice its passage anymore. So what's happened? Well, nothing, I've been enjoying my ADSL. Surprising really. The weekend begins, I find myself without things to do. Then I bump into some interesting web page, and a few hours later it's 3am. And then, as suddenly as it began, it's Sunday night again. Like right now.
It scares me when time goes by this quickly. I keep getting the unerring feeling that there was something I was meant to do but I can't remember it. Whoosh. And it's gone again.
I saw Ruth today for the first time since January. She came round for all of five seconds to drop off my house keys which I had asked her to do. I guess this officially ends all involvement between us. She looked well. Getting on fine without me. Well, I've finally gotten the hint, she wants nothing more to do with me.
The major issue on my mind in these past two weeks is my future. Where the hell do I go now? I'm coming to the conclusion that because much of my ability to expand is based in conversation, attempting to do this in a foreign language is simply beyond me. Or I'm too lazy, and just want to stick to English.
That still begs the question of what the hell do I do next? Where primarily speaks English? America, Canada, England, Ireland, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, Jamaica. There are more, such as Singapore, but they aren't really primary english speaking countries. Nor is South Africa really actually.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about this. Effectively, I'm straight back to where I was coming into the last few months of uni over a year ago. Where am I going? What do I want? How am I going to get it?
These were not easy questions then, nor are they now. Now I am somewhat the wiser regarding foolish errands off to foreign lands in pursuit of love. Hence, moving somewhere distant such as Australia or New Zealand seems a much worse thing than it used to. Now I have stuff y'know, stuff I've bought and such. All of that has to go if I move. Even moving the computer to Australia is no cheap and easy task. It's not like wandering across to Europe for a bit. We're talking a serious & expensive move here.
More importantly, what happens if I didn't much like it over there? It's not like I could just come back without wasting a huge amount of money. Look at all the money I've spent in getting to Spain, a country only a few hundred miles away? Moving country is not cheap, not cheap at all. Never mind all the hassle and stress. I find myself wanting peace. Maybe it's the increasing years, or maybe I've always really been searching for that.
But I am noticing life passing me by. I am feeling I am not fufilling myself either. I feel like I'm still searching for the answers to many questions, questions which can't be answered by staying in Spain. Maybe even if me and Ruth had ended up totally together, in a few years these unresolved questions would merely have resurfaced to wreck our relationship? I don't know. I don't know what I am looking for.
Traditionally, travel is the given cure for unresolved questions. My father suggests South America. It's not a bad idea, but I'm not sure things would be improved there over here. Or maybe they would? But then, I don't actually know, all I know is supposition. Supposition does not supply answers. Only going there and asking the right questions does.
Well, my father arrives in two weeks, I shall consult him in greater depth as to his opinions regarding my future. Thereafter, I shall think some more, do some consultary reading, still more further thought and then weighing up of matters once more. Then, as time presses onwards, I shall make some decisions. I am reasonably sure, however, that Spain has a limited lifetime for me. Maybe an area with more conflict would be good for me. South America certainly fits in with that.
Be happy wherever you are!
Saturday 28th April 2001: 8.24pm. Phew, now those were a busy three weeks. I have racked up serious quantities of milage around spain, I can tell you. Anyway, tonight looks fairly bare, my washing machine's water pump has broken so I have effected a solution by sticking the outlet hose down the toilet and letting good old air pressure drain the water for me. Guess I need a new washing machine now, this one is seriously old as it is.
Anyway, roughly three weeks ago I received a surprise announcement that a friend of mine from Leeds was making an appearence. Which he did, and fun was had that week. Which was then followed by my father's visit the following week whereupon we visited Cordoba among other places. In addition to all this, I stopped going to the psychiatrist as I am supposedly cured plus the medication I was on is being scaled back.
With all of these events, I have noticed a change within myself. I am definitely getting my adventuring spirit back again, and I am intending to visit my ex-girlfriend Susana who lives in Malaga soon. Plus I may go out somewhere tomorrow night with a contact provided by a file sharing mailing list I'm on. So things are looking up.
I also learned that Ruth has a new boyfriend, apparently for two months now. I wished her luck, I hope she will find happiness although I must admit I don't think it likely unless she makes a lot of changes in herself.
Ok, I'm done, off to watch one of the many new movies I have accumulated. Be happy!