Niall’s virtual diary archives – June 2002

Tuesday 5th June 2002: 12.29am. Most of the last week has been occupied with legal case stuff as arbitration was on Friday. You'll be glad to know when they saw the evidence, they backed down and offered me half the money and full social security rights, which given legal fees and other overheads I felt probably was a win-win solution, and so I took it. This means I now have technically enough money to live for a year without working

The last few days have gone writing a lot of email, so any of you waiting for replies now have one. It had backlogged again for like a month in some cases, but I finally got through it after two nights. I also rang my sister to wish her happy birthday, plus did a number of other housekeeping duties. Now the way is clear for programming again, once I get social security fixed (I need some bloody form called a TC2 but it's not proving easy to get hold of).

And err, that's mostly that. I've also been planning a few things, like my trip to London in July for a friend's wedding. Somehow last night I ended up getting very drunk, I don't really know how it happened it kinda just did. I had a glass of brandy, and I suppose I kept drinking more glasses without noticing because I remember passing out and when I woke up this morning I had a hell of a hangover plus the brandy bottle had miraculously depleted itself at least a third. Alcohol is an evil thing! as I remembered today as I got through the first hangover I've had in probably well over a year.

Went out with some english speakers last weekend, was alright but nothing special - they were nice enough but not entirely my sort of people. I suppose the days of socialising university-style are gone mostly for good - a part of growing up I suppose. It wasn't a lifestyle compatible with any other eg; working - but it certainly is fun.

And that's that. Not a lot more. I just remembered another email I should write plus I have plenty to do for tomorrow, so I'll go watch an episode of Jeremiah (which is excellent BTW) - I'd go get some eps off IRC if I were you seeing as it's not available otherwise other pay-for-view US cable - and then I'll go to bed. Studiously avoiding any more alcohol! Be happy!

Wednesday 12th June 2002: 2.55pm. This morning I had a dream I could remember for the first time in ... well, since Ruth - I haven't been able to remember any dreams since her, as compared to remembering at least one every week and a half or so beforehand. It's one of those things I miss most from pre-Ruth times. I should mention Mel, in case you're reading, this isn't the real you - it's my dream of my model of you - and the conclusions I draw about my actions regarding my model of you aren't the same as the actual you. Don't worry, I won't be proposing to you!

Anyway, before I forget as you always do with dreams, I was with Melanie whom I have mentioned in this diary before. Or maybe, more accurately, she was in appearance terms a perfection of a Melanie and well, I did also call her Mel in the dream. Anyway, there was a basic preamble, us doing stuff - I think we were here in Spain because it was hot and sunny - and then basically it came to us sitting on a bed, and I explained that while I knew she would never love me, we could be a family (married, kids etc.) because I had unconditionally loved her since I met her (unlike most of her male friends whom had loved her conditionally and indeed infatuously) and I would always be loyal and look after her. Then there was some stuff which is private to Melanie, so I won't say it here, but it resolved in her assent and us kissing. I remember vividly her lips were cold - why I do and why that should be in a hot place like this I don't know - but I do remember noticing the same in the dream.

Next thing I can still remember is being in bed with her, and I'm naked. She goes to answer the door and her boyfriend (the nasty piece of work one I've mentioned before) comes in. He's acting like she's still her boyfriend, and doesn't seem to notice I'm naked in her bed until after some small talk with her and I, he goes to lift up the covers and I stop him saying that he probably doesn't want to see me with any clothes on. He remarks it is strange I am naked in his girlfriend's bed, but not treating it as really important (just a look of annoyance) before heading off with her to some other part of the house, leaving me with a frantic search for my clothes which I cannot find. It was at that I point I woke up with the realisation I had slept after waking up and I urgently needed to get to the dole office.

Seeing as I'll shortly be starting my post-modern psychology in the form of Jacques Lacan, maybe now is not the time for analysis. However, as I walked to and from my unfruitful visit to the dole office, I had plenty of time for speculation. What I do know, and as this diary testifies, is post-Kathryn I came to believe that Ruth represented what I thought was the best type of woman I could be with. In many ways, and I have thought about it rationally, she fit me very well but obviously I did not fit her - and certainly, I loved her more than any other woman ever, faults and all. Looking at it deeper, it is clear once again that whatever feelings I may have for her are irrelevant if she does not reciprocate them.

Now with Ruth, as I have since learned, she has a habit of lying not just to herself but to others and hence led me on up the garden path with all the catastrophe which occurred thereafter. This was not something I had in her model. Hence, it would seem logical that I must now be searching for a replacement model to work with for the future given that I am finally moving on after only two years.

I think this dream has something to do with that. I can either interpret it as a suggestion or a warning. The warning interpretation is clear, that if I were to engage myself with someone like Mel that it would always be an unequal relationship because she would never love me the way I would love her and would always be effectively in love with something else. I know that in the dream, he always had her heart but I am also sure I had her herself and while I couldn't find my clothes, I wasn't in the least bit worried she would run off with him. I think the clothes represent an outer skin, a form of protection against emotional harm and if me and her were to go to bed, I would lose that protection thus leaving myself vulnerable. Maybe if I were to go such a route, I would spend much of my time feeling vulnerable, because I would always be open to this doubt and insecurity of her not loving me.

The suggestion idea comes from comparing Ruth and Mel's personalities. Ruth hates herself a lot, I knew this before but never could accept the logical consequences of that (which now I am well aware, and will avoid studiously in the future). Mel has an inner strength which despite her evil boyfriend's best intentions to crush, she does keep bouncing back against in my opinion incredible odds. She may doubt herself like we all do, maybe more than normal because her boyfriend keeps putting her down to keep her under his control, but she certainly doesn't hate herself like Ruth.

Anyway, the point is that as I grow older and wiser, the more I realise there is no perfect relationship nor partner and capitalism's pushing of this idea to make more profits is unethical at best. I will have to settle for a compromise of some sort - exactly what I am not sure of. Hence, possibly, of the women I have encountered during my life, types like Mel represent the best match I know of. That is quite a depressing thought, but most people settle for less and without knowing they did until they reach their mid-life crisis when it becomes mostly too late.

I am concerned though that maybe I am repeating my previous errors - in concentrating on what I want, I am diminishing the huge importance of her wishes legitimising mine. My persistent failures in this are I think a result of it being a unique situation - in all other areas of life, one can always choose to go it alone - whatever struggle or project, one has as much a degree of autonomy as one chooses - in so far as one thinks it will help or hinder their position or indeed that of those in the same position as themselves.

However, relationships are different - you cannot choose to go it alone, or indeed have a great deal of control over autonomy - furthermore, one cannot do what one wants without consideration of that action's effect on the partner - and hence a selfish orientated relationship is difficult at best.

Completely selfless relationships are Hollywood's and conventional wisdom's answer to this, but in practice I have found to my cost that the other party takes advantage of this and besides, the effect on character and resolve are worrying and possibly worse for everyone overall (eg; girl loves you when you are independent and strong, leaves you if you are completely selfless to her because that's not what she loves).

I don't know the answers - as anyone who has been reading this diary for while will know, I never do! But I hope that by asking the questions, I am at least am slowly getting closer. Anyway, off to try and buy a doll, so see you later and be happy!

Tuesday 25th June 2002: 1.43am. Just spent the last two nights with a friend from Hull who suddenly appeared. Through that met lots of beautiful middle to upper class French women who spend six months in various countries to learn their language. They will no doubt become the next generation of French businessmen and women, but I did find I had to drive any conversation that happened - it was forced and never natural. The situation reminded me a bit of some students of a similar class in the UK - they were lovely people, very refined, lovely clothes, polite to a tee and very welcoming - but somehow, inexplicably, in my opinion void of content. I felt repeatedly annoyed how little detail they seemed to know about almost any topic I could think of, and with that they had no strong opinions about anything at all. I would argue a point I hoped they knew something about only to find disinterested agreement. In the end, it appeared to me intellectual conversation was neither something they practiced much nor had much interest in. And hence, of course, that meant there wasn't a lot of common ground between us!

Heh, I remember once getting talking to a bar waitress in a pub when I was in Cambridge and finding she lived directly opposite from me so she said come round one night. A few nights later, I took her up on her offer to find her and her friends round. They were very similar to the group previously described except obviously public-school English. What amazed me there was the paucity of content in their conversation - there was only one guy remotely interesting, and he obviously was repressed by these people because when me and him got talking, you could see the winces of pain in the other's faces and them constantly interjecting with topics designed to move the conversation back to something less scary. In the end me and him dropped it and I went back to looking at the wallpaper. I never went back.

Obviously, there are people you click with and those you don't. As I was on the metro back here tonight, I was wondering what attributes mark them as distinct in relation to me but I know I can't answer that because I simply don't know the people I don't click with well enough. Who can say if they are as creative or not so? I have noticed that there can be not so bright people who are a joy to talk to and extremely bright people who are next to useless. I mentioned creativity because I have found myself tending in that line of thinking recently - it would appear very definite that all those I click with are also creative. The opposite that those I don't click with are not creative is something I may like to be true, but without basis I couldn't hold it. I do know however that I have met some creative people that didn't like me and indeed conversely I didn't like, but that was always a personal thing - never a group thing. Certainly not in the opaque collection sense of my experiences noted above.

Well, that's more or less what I wanted to say. Umm, all these interruptions hopefully are at last over, so I can get on with project project and more project. I could if I worked get an executable in a month - it'll take longer to debug and actually get it working of course. But who knows, could have something to show for the next six months!

Ok, joint, a little TV and then bed so I can get all this delayed stuff done tomorrow. Be happy!