Niall’s virtual diary archives – Sunday 12th August 2007

Sunday 12th August 2007: 12.18pm. Well, what an interesting week! Last Friday plus one week I gave M- the first part of her goodbye letter. Now that's probably one of the harshest pieces of writing I have ever put on paper and furthermore I wrote and finished it mid-June, but it all needed to be said. It was on how she has treated me and others during the last two years, and on the processes and mechanisms within her (in my opinion) that lead to such malevolent behaviour.

She handled it as she always does - by erecting barriers to distance herself from the offending object and not genuinely engaging with it at all. She had been suggesting a picnic together all summer, and last Wednesday the weather was really, really gorgeous so I sent a sarcastic text message about how she never seems free on the sunny days but always can moan about how we keep missing those nice days when it's raining. She suggested the following afternoon, which annoyed me still further because yet again she had made it look like I was making her do this when she didn't really want to.

By then though, my mind was set. As part of transforming myself into someone I think deserves to be dated, I had decided that if she couldn't stop treating me abusively, then she had to get cut off sooner than early September. So during a most gorgeous picnic, I pointed out how she was disrespecting me yet again, how she was still doing the things the first part of the goodbye letter said and she really obviously wasn't taking me or the letter seriously despite the effort I had put into the 12,000 words or so. Therefore, we were done I said. I gave her the second part of her goodbye letter, on the processes which surround us, walked her home and as far as I was concerned, that was that.

Now that it was being brought home to her by this that this was serious, and as she actually started to engage, she became most upset that night. The following day when rereading the two parts, she became profoundly upset and resolved to go do something about it. Unfortunately by Saturday afternoon, despite (as usual) making all the right sounds, she obviously was pathologically lying yet again because she wasn't backing up all the fine words with actions. Yet again, she was only acting because of the fear of losing me, not because she actually genuinely wanted to out of love (fine line I know, but it's all about the purity of thought that precedes purity of action).

As for the effect upon myself, I really didn't expect what happened next. Thursday night I began to physically hurt, as in my muscles started to ache, my joints began to grind and I began to feel really quite physically sick. This abated slightly yesterday morning when she seemed maybe to finally be going somewhere better, but after a text last night saying that she was just doing all the same old pathologies and she gave up, I got considerably worse. Right now as I type this, my hip joints are burning (especially my left), my shoulders and back just hurt all over and my knees, elbows and hands ache noticeably even if I move them very slightly.

I'm not used to this! I am not used to my body disobeying so gratuitously! My mind is set on its purpose, I am resolute god damn it! My mind can do this, it's just my body appears it cannot! I know all this is psychosomatic, that I'm fighting myself, and I am feeling more than a bit silly because I'm not used to being so out of control of myself. This physical manifestation of mental pain I have only had with three people: Ruth, Johanna and M-. M- now owns the top spot, even Ruth has never affected me quite so strongly over so many days in this particular kind of way.

Now I could force my body to comply - my mind is definite. However, I know that my body is my mind, so if I force one part through against the other, I am creating many more problems down the line. I know that coming off M- is like coming off heroin, and there are many similarities, but in the end she's far more than an addictive drug: she's a person. So, much as I am loathe to admit it, the signs indicate that I don't think I should cut this girl off.

She's going to ring me on her work break next fifteen minutes or so ... where I'm going to admit that I am a weak, pathetic fool who has put her and me through all this for no avail except to learn that it's probably not a good idea for my health. God knows what I'm supposed to do next semester now ... and her friends are SO going to think this was some sort of manipulation to punish her. I'm really going to be hated for this ...

Later that day ... 5.15pm. Just up from yet another attempted nap. God I feel like crap, I feel like I have been beaten all over with a baseball bat. We spoke, it was really lovely, and I'm going around to hers for lunch tomorrow. Yes, I am rather pathetically happy I'll be seeing her again so soon. I hate lovesickness, the whole idea behind lovesickness, it very seriously annoys me.

Still, I really did try my best. She was also suffering physically much worse than I and had lots of mental suffering on top of that too, so after that phone call she's much better for it too. Seems ecstatic she'll be seeing me tomorrow. Aren't we quite the couple?

I hate to admit it, but I am actually smiling and I can't help it! Be happy everyone!