by Niall Douglas. Last updated .
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Thursday 5th July 2007: 6.28pm. Once again here I am feeling groggy drinking a cup of tea after rather a lack of sleep last night! I have been back here from being home in Ireland for a week and a half now, and there is no let up in substantial change occurring within.
This has caused problems. Last night myself and Johanna had one of the biggest bust ups since we broke up, and we both haven't had much sleep since then. I suppose the best way to approach this is from my side and then her side, and I'll ask her to check everything before I publish. Why on earth would I stick a fight into an online journal? Well, you'll see.
From my perspective, a very great deal has happened to me, especially inside my own head, since even the last entry shortly before which Johanna left to go home. My friends at home are either oblivious to the details of what's been happening here for me, or found when I began to detail things that there is just so much stuff, and it's also hard to wrap your head around, that it's impossible to begin to even touch where I'm at within a reasonable timespan.
So that rather unfortunately leaves only the people here in St. Andrews. M- is continuing to throw away the opportunity of all that could be done during our last few weeks - when I came back, she said it was too hard to see me so things waited till last Friday when in all due fairness, we had an absolutely excellent day together. I haven't had such a prolonged period of actually feeling welcome around her in two months, though for some odd reason there are occasional single random days like last Friday when she and I get on so well that it's like the Universe has lurched into some alternate reality momentarily. I treasure those good days.
Now I don't have anyone else from St. Andrews left apart from M- and Johanna. My academic daughter let me down severely just before I left for home by reinventing a conversation we had whereby it became my fault, not hers, for her letting me down, which is the sixth time she's done that since Christmas - and I have had enough of such abuse, whether it's from her or anyone else. So she's gone too - which was one of the hardest decisions I have made during my time in St. Andrews, because unlike the others, she really doesn't have a clue that she makes up fantasy make-believe to explain to herself why she hurts her friends. She actually, literally, has no idea.
M- did do quite a bit for me last Friday. Maybe unbeknownst to her at the time (but I'll come back to that), I did slip in many of the topics I've been thinking about recently. We did spend something like eight hours together (highly unusual given she normally gets too exhausted after three, but there was a break of a few hours half way through), half of those at her work, and it really was very useful to me.
You see, I have no one to talk to about what's going on in my head. I don't have any friends left who are sufficiently up to speed and are easily contactable apart from M- and Johanna. This means I have felt very lonely in recent weeks, with so much to talk about, and only myself to do so with. It also meant that I had been very much looking forward to Johanna returning, because I really need a friend right now.
Of course, this put tremendous pressure on Johanna. I had thought given how well she had handled the time around the end of May, which was far more serious, that now would be a relative cinch. After all, all she needs to do is sit & chat with me and also read the 16,000 words or so of stuff I have written to various people. Obviously she isn't expected to provide me with any answers, as I sure don't know them myself, just to ask questions and basically hold my hand while I talk to myself through her. Surely not hard?
Reading this description now kinda makes me laugh. OF COURSE it would be hard. In fact, what I ask now is FAR HARDER than the end of May, though it took us shouting at one another last night for me to get that. End of May I was in a situation where she could take definite action, which she did. These past six days, from her perspective, are vastly worse because she feels absolutely & totally powerless - ALL she can do is sit & chat, which seems to her a complete and total failure. She hadn't realised till last night that that is the BEST one can do in these situations - she had thought she was failing me by not providing a definite solution.
Because of being so overwhelmed, she had been subconsciously avoiding me much as M- does. Avoiding engaging with me, avoiding deep conversations, staying away from home as much as possible, and avoiding even beginning to tackle the 16,000 words of assorted emails, essays & letters I have output in the last three weeks. She felt that unlike before, it all fell onto her and her alone, because I had no one else. And because she wouldn't admit to herself that she couldn't cope, subconsciously she began to treat me like M-.
Of course, being treated like M- treats me got me seriously worked up. I began thinking that I was turning everyone who had been my friend into an M-, which means there is something seriously fucked up with me. That started a spiral downwards for me as I desperately searched for someone to talk to, not least that I stupidly leaked recent events in Johanna's life which are private to her to others, which then spread, which then caused certain parties who want to punish me for hurting M-, S- and I- to use that information to punish Johanna, and thereby hurt me. I would even go so far as to say that they hoped that by doing this they hoped it would blow back onto M- and perhaps get me to hurt her again even after I promised her I would never do so ever again (in response to her ten dislikes in the previous entry). I'm sure what I'm about to say will generate emails suggesting I may be suffering from paranoia again, but this is but a taste of what is to come for me & Johanna next semester anyway when all the students get back - we've all been expecting it, and have discussed what forms it might take for some time now. I hadn't expected it to happen with so few students around though - there isn't enough critical mass to make it very effective. Put in a nutshell - the conversation I had with I- and S- outside Aikman's, which M- enabled, I knew would come with a hefty price to be paid by Johanna, not me, because the payback would be unfairly dumped on her as I have no other friends left for them to utilise in order to get at me. They feel a need to strike back, and they shall, and Johanna will bear the brunt.
I really do demand far too much from Johanna. Not only am I very high maintenance, even just as a friend as M- can surely testify, I keep dumping stuff on her through my actions. It is very selfish of me. I could have played things differently - not made such a point of it, and thus not have invited such retribution. I certainly could have been far more subtle, but then I could say that about myself ever since I was born. Despite my best efforts to try otherwise, I have found that I am simply not effective if I am not a sledgehammer.
I am also demanding more emotional support from Johanna right now than I ever did when we were going out. This is partially because I have no one else to talk to, but also because she is the most capable of talking about these topics out of anyone I know in this world. These topics are hard, very hard, and as Johanna says, it's like I am ripping out a piece of her soul. She is only twenty-three years old, and this stuff she shouldn't have to think about for many years yet, so I am forcing her through these conversations to perceive the Universe at a level which scares the living shit out of her. Hey, it scares me enough as it is, especially what it all must mean, so for her who had been looking forward to a fun & carefree summer now she had finally extricated herself from a series of long-term relationships, well, I can't imagine anything more horrible for her right now really.
I really am a right bastard. I just keep shitting on her. And I am genuinely so sorry that I treat her like this. But I am very, very sure that by Christmas I shall be treating her vastly better indeed - the shit-storm I invoked end of term should have passed by mid-November, and I should have worked through most of this stuff in my head within a month, so all this crap I dump on her will stop. And she will get next semester her space, and her fun, and her freedom from me at long, long last. It's well overdue - and she more than deserves it.
I mentioned above about M- knowing or not knowing what's going on in my head. For the second time in six weeks, she recently enabled me to solve a riddle which I partially had posed to her last Friday. This riddle had been causing me a great deal of worry & concern, mainly as it affected the future happiness of Johanna, and for the second time she created a solution for me (the first time being when she enabled that confrontation with I- and S-).
Now much as with the first time, one can take this recent action in two ways. M- read the last entry, and strongly disagreed with my suggestion that she enabled that based on partially wanting to use me as an instrument for revenge. She said it came from within, from a higher place somehow. I at the time took an "even stevens" approach - I felt it was probably something of many motives.
However, this recent action also could be viewed as her having bad motives. Yet it enabled a major solution for me - again - and in the long run, the information garnered will prove very useful. In effect, she created a lesson for me which while painful now, is FAR better experienced now than experienced later when cold, harsh reality would make things vastly worse. Put in a nutshell, she did to me what I've done to her since October: taught me a painful lesson now to save me much future pain.
Now she didn't intend it, and certainly didn't plan it. But nevertheless, she did me and Johanna a great favour indeed and I am very grateful. And furthermore, now she's done it twice, I am far more inclined to now believe that revenge had NO part to play in the earlier action. Lightning doesn't strike twice. She has tapped herself into something, and somehow or other given the extremely scant details I gave her last Friday, she was on exactly the same page as myself. I find that pretty damn amazing, too amazing for coincidence.
II always found that I- had a remarkable knack for spotting & opening opportunities ie; spotting & opening doors - she & I have made a great team. S- has a remarkable knack for kicking over ant hills in exactly the right way to maximally enable creation & growth. M- now it would appear is beginning to have a remarkable knack for creating opportunities which generally speaking is the hardest skill of them all, because it contains all the other skills.
There is a very great deal more I could now write about growth creation, but it's now 8pm and I want to stop typing soon. The greatest among us are those who competently manipulate the flows of energies throughout the Universe for betterment of all. They are very few indeed, and they are universally despised & hated, but this is God's work at its purest. As energy interacts with matter it exudes an effect, thereafter increasingly conveying more information (entropy), and subsequently loses its effect on matter. Energy thus is converted into information, and structure is maintained, built and evolved into higher states.
Many can use this ability for personal gain, or even to enable mass genocide. These people are respected and feared. Only a few are selfless enough to serve. These people are disrespected and feared. This situation needs to be reversed in my new Economic model. This is a "Sponsoring Thought" which if changed, changes the world.