by Niall Douglas. Last updated .
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Monday 28th May 2007: 5.37pm. This diary is now NINE years old - how nuts! It's not been a fun month of May for me at all sadly. It started out very well, but within just a few days it became very bad indeed and it has stayed pretty bad since then. I missed my Economics exam completely and have totally screwed up Corporate Finance and Sustainable Development, so I have had the entire semester S-coded which means it is partially eliminated from the final degree classification process. This is very unfortunate, because I should have achieved three firsts this semester.
Since last October when S- and M- failed to be there for me after Johanna broke up with me, I have been undergoing bouts of depression the most recent of which I mentioned in here was two entries ago in the March entry. I said at the time that S- and I- had lifted my spirits by visiting me each Friday, and indeed then it was true. But as I realise now, it was the difference between prettiness and beauty - they were lifting my spirits sure, but by quite fake means. I now realise that they were not being genuine, and in fact only were bothering with me at all because they had more fun that way - in other words, I gave them my house to drink in and cook in. They were using me.
The extent to which S- and I- have been taking advantage of me has only become clear in the last two weeks. They in fact couldn't give a toss about me, and indeed never have given a damn about me past what they could extract from me - or when I kicked up a fuss, they did some reactive action to keep me compliant, but it was never genuine, never for me - only ever for them. I hereby apologise to all those who had been warning me about this and telling me quite strongly to drop them for many months now (indeed, since October) - but all I can say is that I do listen, it's just I needed to see it for sure myself. They are very, very good at lying - faking being a friend to someone - and the best part is that consciously they don't even know they are doing it. Yet when you look at their actions, ignoring all their fine & fancy words, their motives become clear and in these they have been very consistent in their selfishness for a long time - it's all just a game for them, just a game to be played so they win. Focus on the actions, not the words. The actions don't lie.
Anyway, they're gone for good now. I don't like betrayal, and I really don't like people pretending to be a friend to me, and saying all these things which are what they think I want to hear. I place a great emphasis on trust and honesty, and whether you intentionally were doing it or not is irrelevant to what you actually did do. Not knowing why you act as you do is an excuse - it works for the first time you do something, but if you keep doing it again and again then it becomes a justification for bad behaviour and then one is simply being pathetic, especially if you couldn't be bothered finding out why you do such things. I have little time for deliberate helplessness - plenty of patience for those who try their best, but if you aren't even arsed trying, then you can fuck off in my opinion because you deserve no sympathy whatsoever.
Now had S- and I- been honest in never having been my friend, and admitting that they couldn't give a damn about me, everyone's lives would have been much easier. I wouldn't have had to cut them off, or hurt them, or create all these problems for everyone like manipulating them into a situation where they had several choices to make, and their individual selfishness became very obvious through their choices for everyone to see. Life would be so much simpler and easier, and I like simplicity and easiness.
S- and I- are easy decisions though. They lied to me, betrayed me, and kept on doing it even after I gave them an absolute last chance ultimatum last Wednesday week, so they're gone for good. A painful decision but very clear cut, though I will still always love them anyway. My big problem recently is M-. Now unlike S- or I-, she has never pretended to be anything better than a crappy friend to me - since October at least anyway. She has freely admitted just how useless she is to me, how she goes out to hurt me and annoy me, and generally does her best to push me away. The obvious solution is to be no better back to her, but well I have problems doing that. Either I am someone's friend or I am not. Either they are my friend or they are not. Either we are on good terms or we are not. It's unfortunately how I work - with relationships, on certain fundamentals, I am very black & white. This is not to say that with many other things I have no problems with shades of gray - for example, my relationship with many ex-girlfriends is considerably more intimate than many would consider healthy. For me at least, I have no problems with fuzziness there - so long as I trust them, and know they will be there for me should I need them, well that's all that matters - these are very much black & white issues for me, because I consider them the core fundamentals of ANY relationship and they are inviolate.
Now with M-, I can't trust her as she has failed me umpteen times. She has never been there for me even once - indeed, until three weeks ago, she had never even bought me a drink in over two years despite that I have often bought her a drink. In fact, she has been SO crap it would seem like she actively has been trying to be so crap, because if she were really indifferent then she'd just be mildly crap, but with M- she actively goes out to be as bad as possible.
Nevertheless, she has been making an actual effort since Easter for the first time ever. We've actually been having fun together. We co-wrote an excellent Socratic dialogue after that Wednesday ultimatum upon the nature of subconscious self-destructivity. I find it all very, very confusing. On the one hand she obviously fails the black & white really important core fundamental requirements of a friend. On the other, she hasn't lied about it, pretended otherwise and apparently at least is making an attempt to become better.
So, I am giving her a chance as I have told her. I am finding the ambiguity very difficult indeed - given the recent betrayal of people I love and will always love, it is very tempting to cut out all the cancer - if you're doing nothing for me, then good bye. But that seems unfair to me - not Christian - and she has moved from lying constantly to me (ie; betrayal through telling me what she thought I wanted to hear) before October to just being crap in neither a positive nor a negative way by never doing anything at all. That's an improvement of a sort, and Rome wasn't built in a day, but I do find the deliberate helplessness, the constant "can't do" attitude and the never ending excuse making rather than DOING SOMETHING, anything at all, pathetic and weak. I find it intolerable, and it gets me very frustrated indeed because I have no sympathy for time wasters. So I guess I'm just going to have to somehow get over myself, suck it all down and get on with the summer.
Why the hell do people have to be so fucking lame? It's really as easy as saying "I want this to be different", choosing to believe it to be so, and creating & maintaining that world view thereafter until you choose to see the world differently (and hopefully better) again. Such is growth. Is it really so bloody hard to grow when the one DEFINING characteristic of all life is that it grows? You'd think it would be second nature, but for these people, growth is to be prevented & perverted at all costs. What sad, pathetic fuckers! But that's being self-destructive for you - poison in motion. It leeches into everything around it, subverting it, turning everything bad like a miasma. It must be so very lonely for them.
Ok, time to take my sister to look around St. Andrews - she has been sent here by my father to determine if I am mental or not. Be happy!